#Shitposting no Jutsu

[konohagakurekakashi]

You never pay for your own lunch so what do you spend youre money on

[altocat]

Imagine Genesis has deserted and refuses to answer his phone when Sephiroth calls him. Instead, he just responds in cryptic shitposts.

Sephiroth: WHERE ARE YOU YETDHYDHXHXF

Genesis:

Genesis:

Genesis: 🤫🤫🤫

[kaymarie-bell]

This came to me in a dream:

context:

[sassykinzonline]

have you ever thought about how horny the individual who created deidara's forbidden jutsu must've been to desperately put mouths with long slimy tongues all over their body

[joltai-showa]

still thinking about Obito's tendencies to hang upside down so why not talk about something even more funny

now Obito is obviously trolling the Konoha squad in that moment, acting like a complete idiot and weirdo and all, usual stuff for Tobi. Obito is being a weird little bat on purpose, it's all an act

you know who among Akatsuki, a very scary and a totally serious organization, also acted like a weird little bat, but without it all being an act?

allow me to introduce you to the final page of chapter 238

Kishimoto, why is Deidara's first appearance is him being upside down during Akatsuki's zoom meeting?

(which is supposedly the first one in 7 years since Orochimaru ditched them, but whatever, no fucking way these guys can remain semi-organized without a good old online meetup, I do not care for canon's opinion when it conflicts with my funny headcanons)

But seriously, it's been almost 10 years since I read the manga for the first time and there's still no explanation as to why Deidara did that LMAO. Logic dictates that it's simply Kishimoto not finishing up the designs for his new villains (rinnegan's design wasn't finalized until, like, Akatsuki Supression arc, I believe? there's someone TOWERING over Kisame who is 195cm already and at the end of the day remains Akatsuki's tallest member, etc etc), but I've got a PhD in overthinking Naruto details and turning them into shitposts that sometimes also turn into fanfiction, so I will take this one tiny detail and make myself laugh until I cry.

To me this moment is just so precious because it's actually a scene from OG Naruto, meaning that it's pre-timeskip, so Deidara here is only 16. And this just proves to me that Deidara's puberty (there is no exact indicator as to when Deidara was abducted recruited into Akatsuki, but I assume it happened sometime when he was 12, because during his recruitment we see Itachi (and we know that he joined Akatsuki after the massacre, so he was 13 and he's got a 2 year difference with Deidara), Kisame (who, judging by his pre-death flashbacks, joined AFTER Itachi, meaning some time had to have passed since the massacre) and Sasori (who wouldn't have a partner after Itachi joined because Orochimaru just couldn't resist trying to get that Sharingussy, but Akatsuki don't operate on their own in general, so I doubt Sasori would have been left without a partner for a long time, a year max) and during this zoom meeting 16-year-old Deidara speaks like he's very much aligned with Akatsuki's goals and grudges which would be very weird if he joined them against his will just recently, so a year or more would have to pass between Deidara's recruitment and the OG Naruto zoom meeting) was arguably one of the worst things that organization as a whole had to go through because teenage Deidara was JUST BUILT DIFFERENT.

Don't mind the fact that even as an adult he starts tweaking if he doesn't get to explode something every few hours (I would imagine that teenage rage and angst would only exacerbate this issue), but he would also just want to "look cool" and wouldn't listen to anyone in any position of authority AT ALL. Going back to this scene of Akatsuki's zoom call, we can see (and for certain characters assume because once again designs here are kind of wack) that these overly serious members like Pain, Konan, Kakuzu and Sasori are PRESENT and just... don't do anything about Deidara's antics? They just gave up at some point LMAO. And a while ago, I presume.

16-year-old Deidara, proud and puffed up as a lion: You can stay on the ground as boring old men you are, but I'm going to hang upside down today, hm!

Pain, the acting leader of this very serious and lethal organization that for some reason took in a 13-year-old and a 12-year-old because, I dunno, the real leader thought it would be funny, sighing: okay, Deidara...

I also don't believe that it was ever specified how Nagato's zoom jutsu works, but I think Akatsuki's members simply sit in whatever position they want and their projection is different from their actual position which means that. yeah. Deidara does a bat cosplay. because he wants to. baby why are you like that.

but I also like to imagine Deidara actually hanging on the ceiling during the meetup and the gang just going

Pain: Sasori, can't you grab a mop or something and swat him off of there?

Sasori, in the most dead inside voice imaginable: you are not paying me enough to do that. in fact, you would not last a minute in the asylum I'm living in. you can't give me 40 minutes of peace, can you?

honestly props to Onoki for finding a way to both continue using Deidara's skills for his goals (by just fucking paying Akatsuki and calling it a day) and keep the village intact, teenage Deidara just seems like the trial version of what Akatsuki members could expect on their missions. like, if you can't manage the stress of dealing with the (pony)tailed beast, you have no business trying to fight an actual tailed beast.

I'm also thinking that adult Deidara aka Shippuden Deidara would think himself really cringe for doing this shit when he was younger and feels kind of embarrassed in front of the other members (who unfortunately besides Hidan were there to witness his cringe bat phase of growing up in your local terrorist daycare organization), so he's pretty quiet during the zoom meetings when we get properly introduced to him.

That's, of course, until Deidara gets partnered with Tobi.

I can imagine the two of them competing who can last longer hanging upside down and now Pain really can't do anything to stop this bullshit because it's his actual boss and his clueless partner making their own bat nest during their zoom meeting. He just tiredly glances over at Konan who gives him a "I told you Yahiko was right and we shouldn't have joined forces with this guy, but when do you ever listen to me" look.

The gang would be discussing something like Kakuzu and Hidan brutally murdering Asuma (who's Obito's classmate btw and whose mother he already killed a while ago) and trying to steal his corpse to sell for some cash and in the background above them Tobi'll be yelling something like "senpai, watch what I can do" and start turning cartwheels on the ceiling.

tl;dr Obito and Deidara match each other's freak when it comes to doing weird shit for no apparent reason other than to fuck with everyone while on the job. thanks for coming to my TobiTalk

[catwyk]

long overdue intro post!!!!

[POST WILL BE UPDATED AS AND WHEN THINGS CHANGE!!!]

🦞general info🦞

im cat (she/her)!!@!!!! i am 19 and im a multifandom artist :p!! i speak english and am learning french, but this account will most likely be only in english

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hit the read more for some more info about myself and whats on this account!!!

🦑some info about me🦑

im bisexual and cisgender :p

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[justsomeoneunordinary]

i just had a 1000 iq brainfart right now.... Konan is Tsunade's secret daughter conceived by experimentation.

just hearme out here, Konan, by the time she died was 35 (accourding to google) and at the time, Tsunade was 54 (again, accourding to google), which means Tsunade could have had Konan when she was in her twenties however, i believe Tsunade would know is she had a kid, so my heory is that somene (either Orochimaro or Danzo or both) managed to somehow steal one or a few of TSunade's eggs and get them artificially insemanted into a surrogate womb, which somehow managed to end up in Ame where Konan was born.

what really ties my theory is Konan's paper power, because paper is made of wood, Hashirama had wood release, Konan was really powerful, Hashirama was really powerful, Konan had really good chakra control, Tsunade also has great chakra control and in the world of Naruto where you blood lineage palys a huge part in how powerfull you either are or can be, those things add too much for Knona to not be related to Hashirama.

that or Hasirama was a man whore before he married Mito, and had a dozen or so bastards and one of them ended up in Ame, a centuru down the line later and we have Konan.

I know what you mean, anon. I once made a shitpost myself pointing out that Konan must have a milder form of the mokuton. It really doesn't make sense otherwise, right? Konan only fights with paper, she even creates paper out of thin air, but paper isn't an element, so that shouldn't be possible - unless, it's either an own kekkei genkai (in which case it would be a little weird that it's never mentioned as such) or a milder form of the mokuton. It doesn't add up otherwise.

That being said, I don't like the thought of Konan being a secret child Tsunade's born from experiments neither know of. That theory makes me uncomfortable, to be honest. If anything I imagine Danzou/Orochimaru using the Hashirama cells to experiment with, although that doesn't quite add up either, since 1. Orochimaru didn't work with Danzou back then yet, and 2. Danzou would've naturally kept the child in root and not let her roam free in Ame.

The closest possibility, if anything, is Madara being the one to do such an experiment, since he 1. had Hashirama cells and 2. was already in Ame to put his Rinnegan eyes into infant Nagato for safekeeping (I'm still not over this, literally what the fuck, Madara), so he may as well have added some Hashirama cells to another child just for shits and giggles...

Any of these theories is super far-fetched either way, but Kishimoto is the one who gave Konan a power that literally defies the rules he set in his own fucking universe. At least he could've attempted to explain Konan's paper no jutsu, but nooo, he really went into this "head empty, cool powers go brrr" and ignored the rules of ninjutsu he himself created.

Actually, the closest possibility is that Konan is a descendant of the Senju, and that's why she has a milder form of the mokuton. That makes far more sense than the other theories lol

[tamelee]

Hiiii 🥰 If yin HAD to choose some couples for the Next Gen which one would you choose? Personally I think Shikatema was a okay, but I don’t have any ideas for the others

Hi!~💕 Oh uhm-

No one really, I'd be happy to eradicate it all.

Obviously Naruto and Sasuke should've figured their shit out. Both internally and externally and then say; take it or leave it' to the entire village and system. You either going to get two gay-men leading the village and a new system because their bond was the entire answer against war or nothing at all and then just... die ig while Naruto sleeps his years away and Sasuke is stuck in a damn tree 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

Otherwise.... (aka, 'Boruto' meetings be like;) Shitpost (don't take me seriously);

Naruto and Gaara although it probably won't last long. Naruto'd probably settle for some black-haired girl and make her cut her hair so it reminds him of Sasuke if he squints really hard and doesn't think about it and covers his ears, oh wait-

Charasuke and Dark Naruto, fem version. Menma and Zetsu. Since non of it is Canon anyway, Sasuke and his pet lizard from the filler story. They seemed to have an 'okay' connection, yeah? Well, ShikaTema is fine, it's understandable and predicted. I don't even know who Kiba, Shino, Lee or Choji are with lmao. I can look it up, but... I really don't even remember :') I think one of them is with the Kumo girl, right? Sai and Kumo girl would've been better though. They can argue about loyalty and stuff. Wouldn't she kinda think it was hot how he stopped her fist from plunging into Naruto's 'refusing to talk about Sasuke's face?' That's the extend of their development, but it's 'Boruto', the bar is low here. Or.. if we ignore the homophobia for a second, Sai and Gaara. I mean whatever. Size matters obviously to Sai and Gaara had huge bde before his questionable haircut (no I don't think him becoming Kazekage made him weak) and I also don't think Gaara's lack of expressive emotion currently would be too overwhelming for someone that doesn't understand them much. Not a lot of energy in that relationship though but Gaara is very beautiful to draw let's be honest but the lack of eyebrow does make it challenging. Or Sai and Deidara. A bit difficult because one isn't there, but still, just throwing it out there. Or even Kankuro would be good. Gosh, Sai has so many options... and then he ended up with someone he thought was ugly ;-; (Ino is very beautiful though so he's wrong, but still.) Idk, I think Kiba should've married a cat-girl or the blonde one from Kumo. Lee should be with someone that appreciates effort especially now that his effort is proven absolutely worthless -.- and is seen as a loser again which destroyed the poor guy. Well, I wouldn't have minded Tenten, but... GaaLee 👌👀? Aren't they both single fathers? Or? Idk. Maybe Sai Gaara and Lee together, why not. Throw the Shi guy from Kumo in there also, he kinda looks like blonde Sai. Even Naruto thought he was handsome as he used him for inspiration for his sexy reversed harem Jutsu.  Actually, Tenten and Kotetsu would've been a good surprise. It makes no sense Canon-wise and I don't think it even works age-wise, but I approve otherwise and they're both weaponized. I rhyme and reason. Ino and Suigetsu. Okay, hear me out. He can water all her plants. That's all, that's it. Sakura and Kankuro? I mean, by 'Boruto's low standards, they could've made it work and they'd even have history. And fine, even Sasori could've been interesting a little. Or that girl from the Sound from the beginning. Or the guy. Or Kimimaro. Or Kabuto. We're not too difficult here, pick one, but I guess some are dead though. Everyone but Sasuke ffs. Obviously Neji should've lived. Well I'm okay with Tenten or even Lee, but it doesn't make too much sense to me. Actually, let's ship him with Haku for no other reason than them looking good together. Or Neji and Juugo, maybe Juugo'd be able to set the bird free iykwim. I'd say Hinata and her beloved 'Oro-chan'. (Yes she called him that in some novel.) Both creepy as hell. Except one of them is somewhat likable and it ain't Hinata. But age-wise that doesn't work. Or, maybe someone can make her a Mecha Naruto, that's a bit more appropriate. Not much, but still. I'm sure she has the money and I don't think she really minds because she knows Naruto as much as she'd know a robot version of him. I see no difference there. OR, Kankuro's puppet. That way she can always walk next to the one she 'loves' as it follows her anyway with some basic puppet training and have the sentimental wood around for comfort when she reminisces about the time she thought Naruto wasn't gay. No need to be shy either as it doesn't say much. Then Naruto can visit tree-Sasuke in peace without a creepy face glancing up at him from behind it only to be ignored anyway. 

Or maybe a lousy Daimyo because we can't have any less than a Hero or royalty for the princess, of course. CHOJI ACTUALLY should've married the daughter from the ramen stand. Idk her age though.. Or the owner of the BBQ restaurant? If he didn't already. Or, it would've been good if there was a younger version of Tsunade, I think they'd get along. Akamaru and one of Kakashi's dogs- sorry, Ninken. I think Pakkun is too old maybe. Idk what he's into. Maybe Punpun? Am I missing anyone? Oh lmao, Shino ;-; He would've been good with Fu, Jinchuriki of the 7-tails, the flying bug thing. Guess that's not possible either, but we can't have them single and focussing on the world either so... we gotta create imaginary filler babies somehow. Karin with that other guy who emphasized with her during her confession-thing. I mean, what other reason do you need. That's true love right there.  Kakashi and Shizune? Kakashi and Iruka? Kakashi and Gai? Kakashi and Genma? Kakashi and Obit- oh no. Kakashi and secret-ANBU waifu? Kakashi and actress of the movie adaptation of his ero-novel? Kakashi living his best aro life?

I mean, we could always create a card game if you will and match whatever comes up first. There'd be no difference really.

[givemeanaccountalready]

Prev

So while that happens, the entirety of the Hidden Leaf are freaking tf out. Not only did they just lose the first (publicly known) Wood Release user since Lord First immediately after they got her, but they also lost the jinchuuriki too. Anyone who is not in Root has no clue who Sai is or where he came from (hint: inside the walls). It is a disaster.

Sai and Sakura had their little bout of fisticuffs in the Academy schoolyard. Sasuke saw the Wood Release and is like, that might be useful, I need to learn that. He leaves to try and find out where they could have gone. Unlike the adults who are rightfully going wtf, Sasuke is like, sick jutsu bro. He finds Sakura’s little hideout and her diary with all her notes inside. Any pretense of not caring beyond learning a rad new jutsu flies out the treehouse as he sees various mentions of this “Keigo” guy (Sakura named Sai Keigo because he called her Ugly in an attempt to give her a friendly nickname and she cried (no self-esteem), forcing him to explain what the hell he was thinking. Since he told her to give him a name since he didn’t have one and kept being rude, she named him “Polite Speech” as a middle finger) and Naruto is the son of the Nine Tails (that was her best theory, cut her some slack, she was 11 when she came up with it). Sasuke firmly believes that this Keigo guy is an enemy nin who is using his classmates, and decides, yeah I can rescue them because he’s 12 and never not been able to figure shit out. How hard could a rescue op be?

Very hard is the answer. He is able to leave a shadow clone behind to get his classmates (you know, all the clan heirs that you don’t want to lose) to leave the village with him to “find Naruto and Sakura” (really, it’s to throw the searchers off and cause a distraction so he can solve the issue and leverage them for answers about Naruto’s relationship to the Nine Tails). Sasuke is also stuck with this old guy who claims he’s Jiraiya of the Sannin, but really, he’s just a dirty, old man who keeps chasing skirts at every rest stop they’re at. It’s annoying, but the guy might die if Sasuke leaves him alone because if he keeps calling himself a Sannin, people are going to try and kill him. Sasuke still can’t quite believe that Jiraiya is Jiraiya of the Sannin, even after he meets Tsunade. He’s not entirely convinced Tsunade is Tsunade Senju either, and feels for Shizune. Shizune is trying her very best not to laugh at Jiraiya and Tsunade when Sasuke is like, yeah, sure you’re a Sannin, and I have a loving, living family, now chop, chop, put the vices down, we got idiots to hunt down.

These are the shitpost meme esque vibes I got going on:

Jiraiya: “Dear God, whoever took them must be a master of evasion.”

Cut to the three idiots arguing over whether moss only grows on the north side of trees. They personify the song “Lost” from the Percy Jackson musical

Sai: “This would be so much easier if we still had a map.”

Sakura: “It was an accident! You make dinner next time!”

Sai: 100% earnest “Sure, I like eating things with flavor.”

Sakura: “Why you little-” Homer Simpson chokes him

Naruto: holding up the charred remains of their map “Hold on guys, I think we might be near this little, not burnt bit.”

Sai: “No, we’re not. We passed that point two days ago.”

Naruto: “Maybe we went in a circle?”

Sakura: “FUCK!”

Sasuke: goes up to the sleeping Jiraiya ��WAKEY WAKEY” immediately uses a water jutsu to drown him awake

Jiraiya: “AAAAAAH!!” Coughs up water “I taught you that jutsu so you could put out any fires started by your Fire Release practice on your own.”

Sasuke: “I’d say a dumpster fire counts.”

Danzo: looks up from his desk “Why do I hear boss music?”

A wild Itachi appears

Tsunade: “Let me get this straight. The Hidden Leaf lost two Academy students who not only were they the worst in their physical training scores, but they also have the potential to be some of the biggest powerhouses in this generation. And you two are their only hope at finding them because the Leaf doesn’t want to alert the other villages to what they lost by sending out an actual search party?”

Sasuke: “Yup.”

Jiraiya: “That pretty much covers it. So? Will you help us?”

Tsunade: starts cackling

[noa-ciharu]

i think you're the "too many thots" writer!

This one fits me to the T too! I call this state "being a Gemini sun and Pisces moon"

- I shitposts about blorbos 24/7; cant shut up

- everyday I'm tormented by visions (new headcanons and fic ideas). Naruto where are you with your shadow clone jutsu I rly need it 😭🙏 like legit today I had one more fic idea and at least one more new headcanon ;-;

- has an immune system of a house plant aka in constant need of ibuprofen

[mrsbakashi]

Bro I feel so validated from all your reblogs of my naruto shitposts lmao thank u it made my day

(I’m also dumb and my now main account @sexy-jutsu-link isn’t able to send chats?? right ?? and the asks and ugh so confusing)

now that we're besties just leaving this here because I FREAKING LOVE THOSE SHITPOSTS. thank you for your great service.

[blogofalostsock]

tip for @accidentallyatekneecaps and @nail-art-no-jutsu and anybody who reads my shitposts

Do not take anything i post after 10:00 PM, PST seriously because when im meant to be in bed is when my genetic predesposition for Bipolar disorder along with ADHD and what is probably autism awakens.

[melonnade]

does car insurance even exist in naruto?

[deuslexlmachina]

So I saw One Piece Film Red last week...

[orochi-sensei]

Tobirama walked so Orochimaru could run😌

[loobs-ki]

this random mf from that one filler movie is literally sasuke and sai’s love child